Remembering

Just now, for some reason, I remembered something I'd done four or five years ago. I was at work, at my old job which had a terrific view of a car park from the window, and I was daydreaming about going back to dancing. I'd been out for a while but I still kept up with all the results, still went to the odd feis with friends, still loved it of course. Danced around the house. I thought, maybe I'm too old to be a dancer now. I couldn't afford the dresses and travel now that I'm a grown-up with no support from the parents. I pushed the idea to one side but for the rest of the week, looking out at that car park and daydreaming, a different idea began to form in my mind.

Why couldn't I take the TCRG? Isn't that what I'd always wanted anyway? I knew I'd never be a world champion, but I'd idly fantasised about teaching my own. I decided yes, I'll do it. I remember opening the syllabus on clrg.ie, reading it and making a mental checklist of the huge amount of work I'd have to do. I remember going back to it every 15 minutes throughout the morning, reading and re-reading, until lunchtime when I could furtively print it out. Two copies. I read it again, highlighting one copy with things I knew (green) and things I would still have to learn (pink). My pink highlighter began to look tired. I stacked up all the sheets very neatly and placed them in a file on my desk. I forgot to take the file home. It sat there for a week, maybe two, before I remembered it. With a sigh, I opened the file and put all the papers face-down in my recycling bin. It was too hard. I couldn't do it on my own. Who was I kidding? I would never pass. I would never be a teacher.

I can't think what has caused this memory to push to the surface - out of all the other things I could be remembering, why is it this? Over the years I've held back from doing a lot of things out of fear and lack of confidence. Even recently - with my first solo Saturday class - I was initially terrified. Why? I know what dancing is, I've done it before, I can do it to a fairly competent level, I knew some of the people that were going to be there. Why so scared? I know, I have always known, that it's just the build-up that frightens me. The actual event itself, not so bad. My first solo class was great, even though I was dying after the warm-up and breathing out every available orifice. But this is a different one. I'm actually fairly sure I wouldn't have passed the TCRG if I'd've attempted it five years ago.

No big events really happened in between printing out all those papers, and then actually beginning my study for real in April 2010 (that long ago?!). No major life-changing occurences, no epiphanies, no angels visiting me in the night. But there definitely has been a gradual change in me, with the love for dancing remaining the constant. I'm more patient, both with others and myself. Now, I can explain the rising step fourteen different ways to try and help a dancer get it. Then, I'm sure I would have got us both frustrated. I'm more personable. I'm sure this is a confidence issue, but I now have the capability to be encouraging, even warm and friendly as opposed to polite and shy. Those are personal things that will make me a better teacher.

I watch and appraise dancing more analytically now. For example I never struggled with timing myself, but I never really noticed when someone was just slightly off time, but I can now. I can not only spot little faults in dancers, but can actually come up with reasons why they're doing it, and fixes for it. I'm sure before I would have noticed something wrong, but short of saying 'work on posture' or 'practice crossing' I'm not sure I could have offered a dancer more guidance. Now I can say, if you do x, you'll correct y. You only do x when you're doing y, so let's look at y. Too much algebra there I'm sure, but I am starting to think I can do it, and do it reasonably well.

So in a way, I'm glad that I put all those papers face-down in my recycling bin. I wasn't up to the job then, and I feel like I'm getting close to it now.

I HAVE A SET!

Yes ladies and gentlemen...I have a whole set dance. Choreographed by my own fair hands to boot. I'm really pleased with myself but so, so annoyed with myself too. Why didn't I do this months ago? I was constantly making excuses when really there was no reason not to. I could have completed all of them and had nearly a year to practise them all, couldn't I? Well, something's changed. I actually have a teacher now, a great teacher who encourages me. Who really wants me to do the TCRG exam. Who I don't want to let down. Who I want to impress if at all possible!

I haven't practised my White Blankets a whole lot - and sadly class was cancelled today due to the weather. That does give me a bit more time until I brave Teach and show her. I've put bits into it that I can't yet do either - there's a treble and toe combination that I can do on the left foot in jig timing, but not yet on either foot in hornpipe timing (although I know it works as I've seen people do it). But I'm playing it safe 99% of the time, so throwing a bit of difficulty in there isn't going to kill me.

So - next. I have a jig step which is dead easy, probably too easy to dance in the solo section. But, I can use it as a step for a jig set, maybe tart it up a little bit in places, and then go mad and choreograph a jig set. I'm going for Fiddler Round the Fairy Tree - love the tune, struggle to recognise it in music quizzes sometimes, love the length. 8/12/28. I've literally just thought up the first two bars as well. Ten to go!

I'm also going to resurrect some ceili revision - three dances at a time, written out without the book and then marked. I'm going to start with Book 3 just to keep it interesting.

So no more being annoyed at myself for stalling for so long as that won't accomplish anything - just get on with it. On we go.