Attempt #2

Here's the story of how I got my results.

I opened the envelope and saw "n/a" in the first row of the percentage column. For a split second I'm like, "oh my God they gave me a zero for something?!" ...that was the oral Irish section, which I didn't need to take. D'oh.

I saw "99%, passed" in music (I know exactly where I lost a mark, I switched off during the solo tunes thinking they'd be repeated like the sets and they weren't). I then stopped paying attention to the percentages and just glanced down the result column, I couldn't help myself from skipping ahead and not reading properly. I saw unsuccessful, unsuccessful, unsuccessful, passed. I didn't see the 95% in ceili written until later. All I saw was scores in the sixties.

I looked at the second sheet with the dancing breakdown on it. I'm disappointed with their comments but they really do miss nothing. I flipped over to look at the teaching results and was both pleasantly and unpleasantly surprised with some of the comments. Personally I don't understand all of them but what do I know?

I thought, I'm not going to do it. I thought I might just have passed dancing. I thought I can't go through it all again, the expense, the long weekend. I couldn't believe I'd failed it outright.

I took a photo of the results and text it to my friend. I took photos of all the breakdowns too and sent those. We had a little text chat. Then it hit me.

I did not fail outright.

All that time, I somehow had it in my head that 70% was the "get this mark or take everything again" mark, rather than the pass mark. I thought I'd missed by a mile. I didn't miss by a mile. In fact, I missed one section by two little marks. I can't believe it took me so long to realise that I was so close.

So. I will do it again. But, I've just priced up a trip to Limerick and it's nearly £700 even if I only spend one night there. I can't justify that so soon after dropping nigh on £850 the last time. It will have to be in a full year's time, hopefully in Britain again.

That gives me a year to learn two traditional set dances (I already know Jockey in theory, just need to learn to actually dance it), and to get more practice in teaching and specifically lilting. I know I won't be as nervous next time.

It's on.

Unsuccessful

:(

It's results time

Prefacing this with two things - I'm not even sure if the Glasgow results were discussed at the weekend's meeting, and secondly I've convinced myself I've failed anyway as much as I would love to have passed.

I didn't expect to be nervous at all at results time. Even before the exam I knew it was highly unlikely that I'd pass first time so I didn't think I would get worked up about an email. When I was competing, waiting for the results was my favourite bit - it was all out of my hands and there was still a bit of hope, whereas after the results there'd just be disappointment and shrugging.

It's just real now, isn't it? When the exam was still in the future, it was the main thing. I was focusing on the exam itself, not what came after. Now that the exam is in the past, the results are the main thing. Because what comes after the results could vary so wildly. I could be setting up my classes, or I could be frantically trying to save to retake. I could be emailing in another application form, or I could be emailing in...well, whatever forms you need to fill in to make it official. I don't even know if you need to!

Everytime I look at Hotmail and there's an email, my heart jumps and flutters. So far it's either been spam or my dad!

Yes, it's real now. I might have convinced myself that I've failed but while I wait, there's still that hope. Just like when I was dancing - I might have known I'd not danced very well, but there was still the hope that I wouldn't come last. I just don't know how I'll feel if when if I see 'unsuccessful' in writing, in black and white, clear as day.

Either way, one thing is for sure.

If I fail, I'm trying again. At the earliest opportunity.

If I pass, I'm going to be a teacher. I am going to set up a class.

18 days later

I never thought I'd reach this point. I never thought I'd actually get to the point after the exam. Well - I did it. What's there to say really? I'm kind of reluctant to write about the experience, to be honest. I've already done so, by hand in a notebook as I travelled home, but I almost don't want to type it all out. Oh, I've told the story many a time and I've relived it in my sleep many a time, but when I type I go into much more detail and I don't want to. Not yet.

Suffice it to say, I won't be surprised in the least if I don't pass. By that I actually mean I won't be surprised if I have to repeat the whole thing and fail it outright, rather than retaking just one or two sections. I think I did well where I'd expected to do poorly, but I let nerves get the better of me when I thought I'd be fine. I was sick on occasion, went blank, panicked, cried. (Not all of that in the exam room, you understand). Although when I got into the lift after my dancing exam, I was beaming, and when I got to my room, I literally yelled "YES!" Because I did it.

Teaching - it's bitterly disappointing because I know that I know what I'm doing, I know I can lilt all those tunes and teach the dances correctly, I knew the steps, I would have done better. If I wasn't so crippled with nerves. I just wasn't able to show them what I'm really like and what I really know, and that hurts.

I'm allowing myself to fantasise about passing and get excited about opening classes, because deep down I know how highly unlikely it is.

I've only made it to class once since, and haven't practised on my own or anything of the sort. I've learnt Jockey to the Fair on the assumption I'll need the "new" traditional sets on my retake, although I haven't danced it yet. I'm still in the bubble of dance, going to the qualifiers and watching the parades, but I'm not so in there as I was before. I'm allowing myself to relax and enjoy the festive season, and then we'll start back up in January.

If indeed I do have to retake the entire exam, I won't be able to afford it until winter 2013. If I only need to do one section, I might be able to swing Limerick if places are still available.

But I'm just refusing to think about it at the moment.

Merry Christmas (eventually...) to all, and to all a good night.