18 days later

I never thought I'd reach this point. I never thought I'd actually get to the point after the exam. Well - I did it. What's there to say really? I'm kind of reluctant to write about the experience, to be honest. I've already done so, by hand in a notebook as I travelled home, but I almost don't want to type it all out. Oh, I've told the story many a time and I've relived it in my sleep many a time, but when I type I go into much more detail and I don't want to. Not yet.

Suffice it to say, I won't be surprised in the least if I don't pass. By that I actually mean I won't be surprised if I have to repeat the whole thing and fail it outright, rather than retaking just one or two sections. I think I did well where I'd expected to do poorly, but I let nerves get the better of me when I thought I'd be fine. I was sick on occasion, went blank, panicked, cried. (Not all of that in the exam room, you understand). Although when I got into the lift after my dancing exam, I was beaming, and when I got to my room, I literally yelled "YES!" Because I did it.

Teaching - it's bitterly disappointing because I know that I know what I'm doing, I know I can lilt all those tunes and teach the dances correctly, I knew the steps, I would have done better. If I wasn't so crippled with nerves. I just wasn't able to show them what I'm really like and what I really know, and that hurts.

I'm allowing myself to fantasise about passing and get excited about opening classes, because deep down I know how highly unlikely it is.

I've only made it to class once since, and haven't practised on my own or anything of the sort. I've learnt Jockey to the Fair on the assumption I'll need the "new" traditional sets on my retake, although I haven't danced it yet. I'm still in the bubble of dance, going to the qualifiers and watching the parades, but I'm not so in there as I was before. I'm allowing myself to relax and enjoy the festive season, and then we'll start back up in January.

If indeed I do have to retake the entire exam, I won't be able to afford it until winter 2013. If I only need to do one section, I might be able to swing Limerick if places are still available.

But I'm just refusing to think about it at the moment.

Merry Christmas (eventually...) to all, and to all a good night.