It's here.

The wobble. It's here.

Do I really want to do this? I could, of course, take the exam and then never use it for anything other than personal satisfaction. A TCRG who doesn't teach. A TCRG who learned thirty ceilis and four traditionals, choreographed nine set dances and solos besides, went to all that effort and expense - and then did nothing with it.

I know it would be a waste, a horrible waste. I just don't know if I have what it takes to devote my life to it. I love it. God I love it. But there's a big difference between watching YouTube clips and trawling the internet for results, pictures and dresses, and going to work at the studio every night. A day job and then a night full of screaming kids who won't listen. I've never taught a full class in my life, never assumed total responsibility for a room full of expectant, demanding young faces.

Naturally I assume that if I had my own school, I'd have World Champions coming out of every pore. I understand dancing; I know the why and the how, even when I can't articulate it with my own limbs. And of course, all my students would be conscientious, hard-working and ridiculously naturally talented. I'd have so many students that I could leave the day job. I'd have fabulous hair, an LBD and sky-high heels ready for my turn on the stage as the champion's teacher.

Come on. Come off it.

I'm in a region with superschools so that's just not going to happen.

But.

I daren't give up. I need to achieve something in dancing, and if this is it, if this piece of paper saying TCRG is it, then that's something. I've just laughed at myself - I also daren't give up because I've told so many people I'm going for it. I don't want to be seen as a quitter; I don't want to live up to my reputation as someone with hairbrained schemes, someone who'll get all excited about a new project then almost instantly fade into apathy.

So that's the real reason I started this blog. I mean I could always delete it and pretend it never existed. I just want to finish this one project, this one time. Once I've got those letters on that piece of paper? I guess I'll have a decision to make. Until then, I keep going.