Debrief

Time to debrief, I guess. Might as well make it my last post of the year.

It was a completely different experience. The interaction with the panel was different, the way I approached it was different. The main difference was that I was so much more nervous this time. Sick every morning, not a wink of sleep. Last time round I wasn't entertaining the thought that I might pass - all I wanted was to not fail outright, and maybe pick up some section passes. This time I really wanted to pass it for good.

The dancing was better than last time. I was really looking forward to dancing my jigs but in the first bar of the first step I fell off my toes and it threw me a bit meaning I didn't get in my fanciest bit and had to substitute with something else. Walked back to my place thinking "that's that failed, then." But then the track ended, and the next one that came on was my favourite jig of all time, a sign, so I thought no. Not failed. Still hope. Didn't make another mistake after that, bar another toes-related wobble in my hornpipe set. I got back to my room thinking, I'm not sure how that went. Anyone who's done this before will know what I mean when I say I've changed my mind about it several times since and I'm sure I will again, but I can only pray that I made up those two marks.

Teaching I think went well. It definitely went infinitely better than last time and I actually enjoyed it, but who can say if I did enough. The kids were awesome, I hope they enjoyed learning the ceilis possibly for the first time. I got an eight hand and a progressive, one reel and one jig, neither with a specific tune this time. I blipped once but put myself right the moment one of them asked how many bars the movement was. I felt like it was going well but at one point they were deep in discussion which obviously I couldn't hear and I can't decide whether it was good or bad. What I do know is that last time I came out and wept in my room while predicting 30% marks in the solo teaching - this time I bounced out. I just enjoyed teaching, being called a teacher. It felt comfortable. I hope I put that across.

Since then I thought I'd want a break from dancing but the opposite is true. Can't get enough. Last time it went badly and I just wanted to get away from it for a while - this time my legs are glad of the Christmas break but I'm raring to get back into it and will continue to do my solo practices too as I've got a list of things I want to work on so that I can be the best I possibly can be for my eventual dancers. So there'll be a to-do list early in the new year, but then we wait.

One.

11.52am

Chilling in the airport, playing Yahtzee. By "chilling" I very much mean "feeling sick and doing everything I can not to cry". I am, to borrow a phrase from the 1800s, wretched with nerves. At least my flight's not delayed. Yesterday I lilted as though my life depended on it - I just pray I can access those tunes when everything DOES depend on it. I cried leaving the house. The next time I'm there I could be a TCRG without knowing it, or I could be heading towards attempt 3. Ok now I really feel sick. 

3.47pm

Just realised I got my unsuccessful email a year ago today. I was standing outside watching a utility company install a new water pipe at the time. It was -2•c. This year I'm toasty in the hotel room waiting, while my friend and the others do the written. Going through stages of intense nerves and slight excitement, but at least with her here we're distracting each other when we're together. Good luck everyone. 

Two.

It's my last day in the office today. And I can get onto the internet but not emails or the server, so I'm killing time with some admin tasks and a bit of revision.

I spent a lot of time on Glencar last night - I absolutely love this little dance but when we do it in class, we do it 'wrong' to make it easier. So gents and ladies do the figures of eight the same way, and in the double figure of eight we take hands lead-around style rather than both hands. I think both hands is easier but even so. Anyway so this one has always tripped me up a bit because I hesitate and second-guess when it comes to those movements, but I've got it down now. I even dreamt about it! I wouldn't mind getting that one now. Let's watch, because it's lovely (and you get a free Fairy Reel with this one too):



There's a lot of fog in little England today and flights are being cancelled and delayed all over the shop. Cross your fingers for me that I at least get there!

A while ago I had a conversation about nerves with the other half. We were watching a big England game and I said "God imagine how nervous they all are!" and he said no, they'd be pumped up and ready for it, adrenaline but not nerves. I'm of a nervous disposition and always have been, hence I didn't compete in dancing very much, so I just didn't understand this mindset. But I think I'm starting to on a very small scale. I've done as much preparation as is humanly possible. I've danced hard, I've put myself through incredibly stressful ceili teaching prep classes and driven 230 miles virtually every week. I've even gone to the bloody gym! So I'm starting to understand - the footballers had prepared fully so of course they weren't nervous. I almost can't wait to get there and show them what I can actually do.

But then the doubt sets in again. It's like I'm incapable of believing in myself. What right do I have to pass this? Who do I think I am?

I need to get over this.

Three.

With three days to go last time round, it was my last class (I have an extra day this year as my exam starts Friday, not Thursday). Oh I feel so much better. That's not to say I'm not nervous, I'm horribly nervous! I can barely eat, I have a funny feeling in my chest, and I keep being sick. But I'm not AS nervous. It's a combination of having been there before, and being infinitely better prepared.

I finished my list - writing out each dance by movement. Absolutely no mistakes on that, everything was word-perfect. So the idea was that as I went through, I would identify movements where I was rusty on how to actually do them, and if I came across a dance where I thought "God I hope I don't get this" then I'd revise that in full. You know what, there isn't much I want to go over. That panics me because I don't want to be complacent and waste the time I have left.

So it's revision tonight - reading, watching and ghost teaching - and then stretching and icing. I'm very sore today but I'm trying to look after myself for just these few last days. Come Sunday I will become the laziest person on earth again :)

I have literally never worked harder for anything in my entire life. Nothing, no exam, no job, no hobby, no task, has ever come close to this.

Four.

Monday class live blogging.

7.22pm 

Watching the kids prepare for the class feis on Sunday, awww. Can't bloody wait for my own class feises. But for the time being, jig set.

7.38pm

Jig set ok. I'm on thick carpet which doesn't help me but I can get my clicks up higher so I must. Hornpipe set I ripped the cord out of my iPod by mistake in the middle of the step and when I restarted, missed out a bit at the start of the set. Do it again.

7.56pm

Hornpipe set step fine, got carried away and messed up a different bit of the start of the set. Did the set part right afterwards but not right all the way through yet. Run out of space so on to Blackbird and King for the time being - they're ok. Lady from the adult class just told me I'd lost loads of weight, yay.

8.07pm

Jockey and Three Seas fine. Feel sick but mildly ok at the same time. Boxed myself into a corner on Three Seas but it was ok. I like that one, I'll teach that one eventually. 

8.34pm

Boys jig good, strong. My hornpipe solos good - if they're that reasonable on thick carpet, tired, bit cramped, then they'll be ok on the day. Hornpipe set messed it up again, in the set again, but a different bloody bit! Then I went and threw up again. Once more (the set not the chundering).

8.57pm

Finally got that set right! All the way through. That was enough in shoes so did all my other sets just in socks, fine. I so hope I can just show them what I've done tonight, the way I know I can do it. 

9.11pm

Aaaand we're done. Can't believe it, last class done again. Home straight. Please god I do it properly this time. At least I'm not wallowing in self pity like last year - bit of confidence and self-belief.

Five.

Sunday 8 December

Missed a day. So yesterday was five days to go and I decided not to dance for a couple of reasons - firstly, great practice on Saturday. Secondly, didn't want to do three days in a row with questionable shins and tendons. Thirdly, was feeling bloody awful. I still feel awful, I've been a bit sick twice again already today. I did a bit of ghost teaching for a potentially tricky bit in one of my solos but really, this section is so hard to prepare for. They tell you to have a breakdown of each step prepared, fine, but you never know what the kids will struggle with, do you? It totally depends what they've done before and what their style is.

Today (Monday) I've got class later and need to go through my hornpipe, my boy's jig for teaching, the two modern sets I didn't do in shoes in Saturday, and a couple of trads that I didn't do in shoes. I think it was just Blackbird, Three Seas, Jockey and King. In the meantime though, I'm going to write the book (as in name of dance and list of movements). Then when reviewing it, if I see a movement name and I'm like "how the flip do you do that?!" then I know I need to revise it with the book and videos and some ghost teaching. That will be my Tuesday and Wednesday.

Oh god. Feel sick, can't concentrate on anything. Feel like I'm just watching the clock. I just want it to be over. I said exactly the same thing last year - although at least I wasn't faffing about over my steps still. I'm better than last year, why am I just as nervous??

Six.

Fantastic practice. Really positive session, unlike last year when I couldn't even move. I practised with a friend who's also doing the exam and we did everything - absolutely everything and more besides.

First a few traditionals, and it was great to get practice of dancing them beside somebody else especially as she does different steps to me for some of them. I made a few mistakes but I'm prepared to dance in twos now. Then onto jig solo and it was ok. Jigs sets were all good, some kind of miracle, and then I did some reels. Boys and my own - all fine. I then got the biggest compliment ever when, even though I knew I wasn't quite up to full fitness (I threw up twice), she said I was infinitely better than I was this time last year. Amazing, love her for that. So much confidence.

Hornpipe sets and solos were ok, just need to believe I can do them and I can get through them. I didn't have much room for slip jig but that's no concern.

We worked so hard. We've got this.

Seven.

Well, last night's practice was a bag of shit. I did all my sets, but was forgetting steps all over the shop, just generally being crapper than I know I really am, and to top it off my arches started burning as soon as I laced up my shoes. So that was a struggle. Some of it was ok, I sound good when I actually really GO for it.

But better than last year because I know I could dance tonight if I wanted to, and also I know that after-work practices just don't suit me on the whole - I was nearly falling asleep in the car on the way. After a good night's sleep and a leisurely stretch and prep, I'm much better. And that's how it'll be on exam day.

Work Christmas party tonight so I am allowing myself a night off. Massive practice on Saturday, though.

Eight.

Another 7 o'clock finish at work last night. I did get home in 15 minutes rather than 40 though which was nice. I decided to ghost-teach some solos which is actually a really good way of getting yourself to think through the breakdown. I definitely feel way more prepared on this, this time round.

Last year I was having a mixed bag of a practice session on day eight, and that's what's planned for tonight too. Well, a practice session at least - it will be fabulous! That's what I'm telling myself anyway. Now, time to steel the nerves and take my mind off exam issues with a huge meeting...

Nine.

Didn't leave work until gone 7pm last night so it was revise as opposed to gym. The ceilis I pulled out of that hat were Trip to the Cottage and Harvest Time Jig, the latter of which I failed as I called Right Hands Across and Left Hands Across, Right & Left Wheels and vice versa. Why?! There are no wheels in book one. Book one is all hands across, book two is all wheels, and book three depends on the dance. Wheels in Gates as there are wheels on a cart passing through the Gates - Hands Across in Waves as you're swimming through the sea. Anyway I also said that gent gives right hand again when performing Step & Turn with the lady on the left which he doesn't, it's a left hand. Anyway, I won't make those mistakes again.

On Trip I've got a good way to teach some of the tricky body bits now, and I've taught the opening movement and the two figures tons before so I'm fairly happy on that.

What else - I ran through all my dances in my head while trying to get to sleep, or that was the plan. I think I made it as far as my second or third set dance (after having done all my solos) before drifting off. So much less nervous this time than last year (does that make grammatical sense?), when I was still working on my hornpipe!

Ten.

I am in an infinitely better place than at the same point last year. I've tinkered with a couple of sets over the last few days but I think that's everything that needs to be changed - I have every single step and set, for dancing and teaching, done and sorted.

After class last night, my bogey sets are no longer bogey sets. The jig one has a new step (well, about 4 bars is new and I've moved 2 bars from the end to the middle), and a slight change to the set. It's the same combination of moves, a rock and toes, but the other way round to reduce wobble potential. The hornpipe one has a new middle section in the set, and the step will be fine now I've worked out which foot to put en pointe first (the dangers of practicing in socks for too long).

I practiced my boys' reel, which I actually think is quite hard and a nice step, and I also did all the traditionals as I didn't do those on Saturday.

The thing that's terrifying me at the moment is that I actually feel like I could pass it this time, if only I don't trip myself up or talk myself out of it. I might have said this before but I can imagine myself being a teacher, I just can't imagine opening an email saying successful. It just seems so improbable, that I'd actually manage to achieve this after everything. I can't get too excited about the prospect of passing but I'm so much calmer this time round, I'm in much less pain which helps. I think a dose of confidence will help me.

So, the plan for the next ten days or so:

Today (Tuesday): Either the gym or revising/ghost teaching at home, depending on what time I finish work
Wednesday: As above, depending on what I did on Tuesday.
Thursday: Solo practice
Friday: Work Christmas party, night off
Saturday: Solo workshop - dance everything, twice.
Sunday: Solo practice - whatever needs work based on Saturday's session
Monday: Last class
Tuesday & Wednesday: Rest legs, revise and ghost teach.
Thursday: Travel
Friday: Own dancing exam
Saturday: Teaching exam, followed by high-fives, tears, cheers, and beers.
Sunday: Fly home in utter disbelief that it's all over for another year, and get ready for Christmas.

Different bogey dance

Ok so the original bogey set is fixed and looking quite nice now. But then another bogey dance has reared its ugly, ugly head! I've spent all day turning it over in my mind trying to fix it and I think I've got something but it's too late to practise it now, it'll have to wait til class tomorrow. I think it works, and if it does that's the last hurdle. That will make me feel confident about dancing because everything else is coming along a treat.

Jesus it's December today. It's this month. It's in 12 days. Insert expletive of choice here.