Wednesday 14th November
Writing this, as I am, after the exam...it's hard to remember what I felt. I know I was all over the place and couldn't concentrate on anything at work. I know I packed after work. I know I slept ok. I don't actually think I felt too bad!
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Two.
Tuesday 13th November.
10.35am
I actually can't believe that this is the date today. Two. Days.
I took the shoes to the cobbler today to get the straps swapped over and not only did he do it there and then within four minutes but he didn't charge me a penny either. There are good people in the world. Speaking of which I got a lovely shamrock-y Good Luck card at dancing last night and everyone was being very kind and telling me I'd be fine. I hope I don't let them down.
2.38pm
I've just looked at my to-do list for the exam, from two weeks away. Gulp.
- Complete Rodney's Glory
- Complete second hornpipe step
- Finalise boys reel step - think I've got it but will need to dance it another few times. Presumably in the hotel.
- Revise ceili tunes especially Haste vs Trip - been trying but it won't sink. Another train/hotel job.
- List and print all steps for each section
- Traditionals in shoes - hotel, will have to be.
- Book return train journey
- Print all tickets and hotel confirmation
- Sort out outfits for each exam
- Packing list
- Speed for Blue Eyed Rascal - feck it, it is what it is
- Read/watch all ceilis - watched, not read
- Check new CD esp Planxty Hugh
- Props for ceili exam? - undecided. Will have a look at home and see if I can conjure something.
- Buy duct tape
I then had to add
- Get straps changed on shoes
- Fix slip jig
Oh god.
9.18pm
I'm almost chilled out here. It's certainly quiet resignation rather than quiet confidence but...I hope this feeling lasts.
Finally watched the Big Jig earlier. They've got far bigger things to be nervous about than some elderly has-been/never-was with dodgy feet and a death wish.
10.35am
I actually can't believe that this is the date today. Two. Days.
I took the shoes to the cobbler today to get the straps swapped over and not only did he do it there and then within four minutes but he didn't charge me a penny either. There are good people in the world. Speaking of which I got a lovely shamrock-y Good Luck card at dancing last night and everyone was being very kind and telling me I'd be fine. I hope I don't let them down.
2.38pm
I've just looked at my to-do list for the exam, from two weeks away. Gulp.
- Finalise boys reel step - think I've got it but will need to dance it another few times. Presumably in the hotel.
- Revise ceili tunes especially Haste vs Trip - been trying but it won't sink. Another train/hotel job.
- List and print all steps for each section
- Traditionals in shoes - hotel, will have to be.
- Print all tickets and hotel confirmation
- Packing list
- Read/watch all ceilis - watched, not read
- Check new CD esp Planxty Hugh
- Props for ceili exam? - undecided. Will have a look at home and see if I can conjure something.
- Buy duct tape
I then had to add
Oh god.
9.18pm
I'm almost chilled out here. It's certainly quiet resignation rather than quiet confidence but...I hope this feeling lasts.
Finally watched the Big Jig earlier. They've got far bigger things to be nervous about than some elderly has-been/never-was with dodgy feet and a death wish.
Monday, 12 November 2012
Three.
Monday 12th November
3.15pm
At this precise moment in time I can concentrate on nothing but my own fear. Or terror, to be more exact. I have never been more afraid of anything in my entire life. I can feel my heart beating out of chest and it feels like it's grown ten times its usual size. Something's crushing my chest, anyway. I couldn't eat this morning. I had nightmares, unrelated, but a sure sign that I can't relax. I can't put it aside, I can't stop thinking about it. Even when I manage to stop thinking about it, just momentarily, the feeling is still there, and then I remember why I still feel like this and the whole thing starts again. I'm trying to breathe, I've tried Kalms but now I'm just drowsy. Despite that, I know I won't get to sleep naturally tonight. I'll have to self-medicate with something or other, just to get to sleep in the first place, and even then I'm not guaranteed rest. I'll be too hot, too cold, there'll be a nightmare, a noise will wake me.
This is utterly pathetic.
It's a dancing exam. A exam I CHOSE to do and paid for myself. An exam I can just as easily take again. An exam with options to resit or even to downgrade to the TMRF if I want. An exam that, if I decided never to do it again, wouldn't REALLY matter in the scheme of things. And yet I'm this terrified.
There is class later, my last class. I may practice alone on Wednesday evening, or I may save my legs for the exam. But either way, the last class is significant. It's a milestone to pass, one of the last markers on the home straight.
I so can't wait until it's over.
Further live panic attacks coming your way soon, you lucky lucky people.
5.26pm
A slight diversion from panic attacks [nb I am not really having full-blown panic attacks, that's just what I'm affectionately referring to my sense of foreboding as] earlier. There's been a funny smell in the office for a few days so one of the girls was rooting around under the desk and found what she thought were mouse droppings. Panic. Then another guy came in and said they were too big to be from a mouse, and therefore must be rat crap. PANIC. Then we kinda realised they were maggot-y type things so panic over for now, an amusing yet vomitworthy distraction from other woes. Now I'm back to your regularly scheduled panic. I'm sure you're relieved.
5.30pm
http://www.voy.com/217747/8932.html - oh my God I've been doing toes. I've been practising it in socks for so long that I've just fallen into doing toes instead of booting the back of my foot. Craptacular. THANK YOU Atlanta candidate! So that's on the list to practice tonight, that and Job of course as it's that little duplicated rhythm bit where I'm putting the rogue toes. Crap crap crap.
8.07pm
Finally did Piper, Rodney's and my hornpipe correctly. Bloody hornpipe. Planxty ok but no shoes yet. I try now.
8.19pm
2nd hornpipe step and Rodney's in shoes. O. K. Hitting clicks, because I'm cramped on the landing. Don't move so much and it's easier to click. It's not a race. Floppy feet but... O. K. And steps remembered.
The code for "it's going badly", is: "it's snowing. At the moment it's just sleeting.
8.40pm
Just went over on ankle practising the slip jig that doesn't bloody work. Continue.
8.54pm
Fixed this slip jig I think. Sleet has stopped but it's still cold.
3.15pm
At this precise moment in time I can concentrate on nothing but my own fear. Or terror, to be more exact. I have never been more afraid of anything in my entire life. I can feel my heart beating out of chest and it feels like it's grown ten times its usual size. Something's crushing my chest, anyway. I couldn't eat this morning. I had nightmares, unrelated, but a sure sign that I can't relax. I can't put it aside, I can't stop thinking about it. Even when I manage to stop thinking about it, just momentarily, the feeling is still there, and then I remember why I still feel like this and the whole thing starts again. I'm trying to breathe, I've tried Kalms but now I'm just drowsy. Despite that, I know I won't get to sleep naturally tonight. I'll have to self-medicate with something or other, just to get to sleep in the first place, and even then I'm not guaranteed rest. I'll be too hot, too cold, there'll be a nightmare, a noise will wake me.
This is utterly pathetic.
It's a dancing exam. A exam I CHOSE to do and paid for myself. An exam I can just as easily take again. An exam with options to resit or even to downgrade to the TMRF if I want. An exam that, if I decided never to do it again, wouldn't REALLY matter in the scheme of things. And yet I'm this terrified.
There is class later, my last class. I may practice alone on Wednesday evening, or I may save my legs for the exam. But either way, the last class is significant. It's a milestone to pass, one of the last markers on the home straight.
I so can't wait until it's over.
Further live panic attacks coming your way soon, you lucky lucky people.
5.26pm
A slight diversion from panic attacks [nb I am not really having full-blown panic attacks, that's just what I'm affectionately referring to my sense of foreboding as] earlier. There's been a funny smell in the office for a few days so one of the girls was rooting around under the desk and found what she thought were mouse droppings. Panic. Then another guy came in and said they were too big to be from a mouse, and therefore must be rat crap. PANIC. Then we kinda realised they were maggot-y type things so panic over for now, an amusing yet vomitworthy distraction from other woes. Now I'm back to your regularly scheduled panic. I'm sure you're relieved.
5.30pm
http://www.voy.com/217747/8932.html - oh my God I've been doing toes. I've been practising it in socks for so long that I've just fallen into doing toes instead of booting the back of my foot. Craptacular. THANK YOU Atlanta candidate! So that's on the list to practice tonight, that and Job of course as it's that little duplicated rhythm bit where I'm putting the rogue toes. Crap crap crap.
8.07pm
Finally did Piper, Rodney's and my hornpipe correctly. Bloody hornpipe. Planxty ok but no shoes yet. I try now.
8.19pm
2nd hornpipe step and Rodney's in shoes. O. K. Hitting clicks, because I'm cramped on the landing. Don't move so much and it's easier to click. It's not a race. Floppy feet but... O. K. And steps remembered.
The code for "it's going badly", is: "it's snowing. At the moment it's just sleeting.
8.40pm
Just went over on ankle practising the slip jig that doesn't bloody work. Continue.
8.54pm
Fixed this slip jig I think. Sleet has stopped but it's still cold.
Four.
Sunday 11th November
Remembrance Sunday. I stood in silence.
I think I managed about half an hour of practice today, which is shocking. I couldn't move my legs, I just couldn't. The hornpipe has been through further fixes and I went through Piper and Rodney which are typically the ones I forget at some point.
At home, wallowing in a hot bath as I couldn't face an iced one, I just resigned myself to the fact that I'm not going to pass, and what's more I'm going to fail badly. I'm going to fail outright because how on earth can I scrape above 50% on dancing? It was pitiful, honestly. All over the place.
Well feck it, it's too late now so I'll just do the bloody thing and laugh about it afterwards.
Praying for:
Reel - jig - White Blankets - Miss Brown's - Rub the Bag - St Patrick's Day - Garden of Daisies.
And also praying to teach:
Girls prelim jig - girls prelim/open reel - any ceili I've actually taught before.
Oh God. Four days of nightmares ahead.
Remembrance Sunday. I stood in silence.
I think I managed about half an hour of practice today, which is shocking. I couldn't move my legs, I just couldn't. The hornpipe has been through further fixes and I went through Piper and Rodney which are typically the ones I forget at some point.
At home, wallowing in a hot bath as I couldn't face an iced one, I just resigned myself to the fact that I'm not going to pass, and what's more I'm going to fail badly. I'm going to fail outright because how on earth can I scrape above 50% on dancing? It was pitiful, honestly. All over the place.
Well feck it, it's too late now so I'll just do the bloody thing and laugh about it afterwards.
Praying for:
Reel - jig - White Blankets - Miss Brown's - Rub the Bag - St Patrick's Day - Garden of Daisies.
And also praying to teach:
Girls prelim jig - girls prelim/open reel - any ceili I've actually taught before.
Oh God. Four days of nightmares ahead.
Five.
Saturday 10th November
Danced. Too much pain. Most of the session was fixing my hornpipe, because it just wasn't working and I would have looked ridiculous struggling over steps that simple. So, it's changed, it's still fairly simple but at least I can do it and at least it works.
Ballsed-up Rodney's multiple times.
I had to call it a day when my foot felt broken - I knew it wasn't broken, but I'm not taking risks this close to the exam.
Bad dress rehearsal?
Oh, I also need a strap replaced on the heavy shoes because I'm convinced it's going to wear through.
At the end of practice I realised, this time next week it is OVER. Can't wait.
Danced. Too much pain. Most of the session was fixing my hornpipe, because it just wasn't working and I would have looked ridiculous struggling over steps that simple. So, it's changed, it's still fairly simple but at least I can do it and at least it works.
Ballsed-up Rodney's multiple times.
I had to call it a day when my foot felt broken - I knew it wasn't broken, but I'm not taking risks this close to the exam.
Bad dress rehearsal?
Oh, I also need a strap replaced on the heavy shoes because I'm convinced it's going to wear through.
At the end of practice I realised, this time next week it is OVER. Can't wait.
Friday, 9 November 2012
Seven.
Thursday 8th November
There was no way I could dance today. I could barely walk. I had to content myself with a massage and while that's not particularly thrilling, I didn't want to miss a day out of my countdown.
There was no way I could dance today. I could barely walk. I had to content myself with a massage and while that's not particularly thrilling, I didn't want to miss a day out of my countdown.
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Eight.
Wednesday 7th November
Practice session live blogging, haha.
I am so heavy. Very few parts of my lower extremities don't ache.
Warm up done, ended up on wrong foot in Blackbird.
Just. Did. A. Whole. Planxty. In. Shoes. And it was o-k. Surprised myself with the strength of the sound in places but messed up a few times, not horrifically or enough to make me stop though.
I'm so dead, so heavy. Thighs, calves on fire, shins complaining, arches SCREAMING. Well, I've been at work and driving all day, I'm stiff. At the exam it'll be morning, well rested hopefully, nice long, slow, gentle warm up.
I think Rodney's is sticking in my head now.
Why is it I can hit clicks on a Monday but not a Wednesday?
Not every class is going to be amazing I guess.
I hurt.
Practice session live blogging, haha.
I am so heavy. Very few parts of my lower extremities don't ache.
Warm up done, ended up on wrong foot in Blackbird.
Just. Did. A. Whole. Planxty. In. Shoes. And it was o-k. Surprised myself with the strength of the sound in places but messed up a few times, not horrifically or enough to make me stop though.
I'm so dead, so heavy. Thighs, calves on fire, shins complaining, arches SCREAMING. Well, I've been at work and driving all day, I'm stiff. At the exam it'll be morning, well rested hopefully, nice long, slow, gentle warm up.
I think Rodney's is sticking in my head now.
Why is it I can hit clicks on a Monday but not a Wednesday?
Not every class is going to be amazing I guess.
I hurt.
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
Nine.
Tuesday 6th November
Sorted the hornpipe. That's it then, I now have every single dance prepared and choreographed. Home straight.
Sorted the hornpipe. That's it then, I now have every single dance prepared and choreographed. Home straight.
Ten.
Monday 5th November
So, this is the real countdown.
At class last night I worked my arse off, I really did. More Rodney run-throughs, even in shoes I think, and that's going ok. Fixed the start so I don't have a 1/4 of a bar where I'm kinda bopping on the spot waiting for the music.
I than ran through every single set dance, some more than once, some in shoes and some not depending on how much my feet were complaining. I was hitting clicks, even donkeys, I felt like I was turning my feet out, it was ok. I was having minimal breaks so I feel like my stamina's better, it was good.
Also ran through Garden and Job a few times, did my new reel step and few times and surprised myself with the height of my kick, did my two jig steps and one hornpipe - in short, pretty near killed myself.
I think in conclusion, as long as I don't blank (as I was doing consistently on Piper), I'll get more than 50%. If I really really pull it out of the bag, I think I might even stand a chance of passing.
Today: make up hornpipe step. Got a germ of an idea, we'll see how we go.
So, this is the real countdown.
At class last night I worked my arse off, I really did. More Rodney run-throughs, even in shoes I think, and that's going ok. Fixed the start so I don't have a 1/4 of a bar where I'm kinda bopping on the spot waiting for the music.
I than ran through every single set dance, some more than once, some in shoes and some not depending on how much my feet were complaining. I was hitting clicks, even donkeys, I felt like I was turning my feet out, it was ok. I was having minimal breaks so I feel like my stamina's better, it was good.
Also ran through Garden and Job a few times, did my new reel step and few times and surprised myself with the height of my kick, did my two jig steps and one hornpipe - in short, pretty near killed myself.
I think in conclusion, as long as I don't blank (as I was doing consistently on Piper), I'll get more than 50%. If I really really pull it out of the bag, I think I might even stand a chance of passing.
Today: make up hornpipe step. Got a germ of an idea, we'll see how we go.
Sunday, 4 November 2012
Sets
Right then, all sets are done. Rodney's was choreographed in my head over a wine on Friday night and practised on Saturday - it's working ok. Just a case of remembering now. Hurry the Jug and Piper are both working and again with Piper, it's just a memory thing. I was doing it in shoes on Monday night and kept getting confused, not least because my iPod earphone kept slipping out. Can you sweat from your ears?!
I was practising Garden on Saturday too and tried to visualise three stony-faced examiners watching me. Effed it up about five times in a row, terrific. I have no idea whether the nerves are going to ruin everything for me. I was trying to style it out and keep dancing as I know I have to keep going at all costs, but it's still a huge drop in points and practically unforgivable in a trad.
I can't practise as much as I want to because of this damn leg. Left lower calf feels like it's going to snap. I'm just not brave enough to push through too much, so it's only going to be another 4 or 5 sessions over the next 10 days (it's in 11 days I think but not counting today). Eek, not sure I'll even be able to manage that, thinking about it.
To do list:
Dance Planxty and Rodney's properly - dance the shit out of all of them, really.
Fix hornpipe step for solo section. Can't believe I'm not ready on this yet.
Think about teaching steps. I already know I'm probably going to use my Miss Brown's step as a jig step for teaching, but no idea on hornpipe - particularly a boy's hornpipe.
I was practising Garden on Saturday too and tried to visualise three stony-faced examiners watching me. Effed it up about five times in a row, terrific. I have no idea whether the nerves are going to ruin everything for me. I was trying to style it out and keep dancing as I know I have to keep going at all costs, but it's still a huge drop in points and practically unforgivable in a trad.
I can't practise as much as I want to because of this damn leg. Left lower calf feels like it's going to snap. I'm just not brave enough to push through too much, so it's only going to be another 4 or 5 sessions over the next 10 days (it's in 11 days I think but not counting today). Eek, not sure I'll even be able to manage that, thinking about it.
To do list:
Dance Planxty and Rodney's properly - dance the shit out of all of them, really.
Fix hornpipe step for solo section. Can't believe I'm not ready on this yet.
Think about teaching steps. I already know I'm probably going to use my Miss Brown's step as a jig step for teaching, but no idea on hornpipe - particularly a boy's hornpipe.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Writtens
I'm probably going to do daily updates at the moment, even though I've temporarily set the blog on private for my own sanity. It's two weeks today. Last night I wanted to go and practice, but my legs were still very sore from Monday night and I'm paranoid about injuring myself too badly to dance at all. Plus I was at work late, then the journey home was horrible due to torrential rain so bad I could barely see the road markings, and it was miserable, and so I thought I'd put my brand new dining table and chairs to good use and set myself up for a written session.
I'm a bit worried in that I steam through past ceili papers and usually get them done within an hour, including distractions like chatting to the husband or getting up to get a drink or checking Facebook or whatever.
To save time I was marking my paper while doing a music quiz, and I got 97% on the paper and 100% on the music. My version of the music quiz is longer as well, I can fit 30 lines on my paper so I do 30 tunes on shuffle. If I don't get 100% on the real music exam and 90%+ on the ceili, I'll be disappointed, honestly.
After that I tried to choreograph some Rodney but it just wasn't working - I'll try again tonight.
The other night the husband said "I'm proud of you for how hard you're working on this."
:)
I'm a bit worried in that I steam through past ceili papers and usually get them done within an hour, including distractions like chatting to the husband or getting up to get a drink or checking Facebook or whatever.
To save time I was marking my paper while doing a music quiz, and I got 97% on the paper and 100% on the music. My version of the music quiz is longer as well, I can fit 30 lines on my paper so I do 30 tunes on shuffle. If I don't get 100% on the real music exam and 90%+ on the ceili, I'll be disappointed, honestly.
After that I tried to choreograph some Rodney but it just wasn't working - I'll try again tonight.
The other night the husband said "I'm proud of you for how hard you're working on this."
:)
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