Three.

Monday 12th November

3.15pm
At this precise moment in time I can concentrate on nothing but my own fear. Or terror, to be more exact. I have never been more afraid of anything in my entire life. I can feel my heart beating out of chest and it feels like it's grown ten times its usual size. Something's crushing my chest, anyway. I couldn't eat this morning. I had nightmares, unrelated, but a sure sign that I can't relax. I can't put it aside, I can't stop thinking about it. Even when I manage to stop thinking about it, just momentarily, the feeling is still there, and then I remember why I still feel like this and the whole thing starts again. I'm trying to breathe, I've tried Kalms but now I'm just drowsy. Despite that, I know I won't get to sleep naturally tonight. I'll have to self-medicate with something or other, just to get to sleep in the first place, and even then I'm not guaranteed rest. I'll be too hot, too cold, there'll be a nightmare, a noise will wake me.

This is utterly pathetic.

It's a dancing exam. A exam I CHOSE to do and paid for myself. An exam I can just as easily take again. An exam with options to resit or even to downgrade to the TMRF if I want. An exam that, if I decided never to do it again, wouldn't REALLY matter in the scheme of things. And yet I'm this terrified.

There is class later, my last class. I may practice alone on Wednesday evening, or I may save my legs for the exam. But either way, the last class is significant. It's a milestone to pass, one of the last markers on the home straight.

I so can't wait until it's over.

Further live panic attacks coming your way soon, you lucky lucky people.

5.26pm
A slight diversion from panic attacks [nb I am not really having full-blown panic attacks, that's just what I'm affectionately referring to my sense of foreboding as] earlier. There's been a funny smell in the office for a few days so one of the girls was rooting around under the desk and found what she thought were mouse droppings. Panic. Then another guy came in and said they were too big to be from a mouse, and therefore must be rat crap. PANIC. Then we kinda realised they were maggot-y type things so panic over for now, an amusing yet vomitworthy distraction from other woes. Now I'm back to your regularly scheduled panic. I'm sure you're relieved.

5.30pm
http://www.voy.com/217747/8932.html - oh my God I've been doing toes. I've been practising it in socks for so long that I've just fallen into doing toes instead of booting the back of my foot. Craptacular. THANK YOU Atlanta candidate! So that's on the list to practice tonight, that and Job of course as it's that little duplicated rhythm bit where I'm putting the rogue toes. Crap crap crap.

8.07pm
Finally did Piper, Rodney's and my hornpipe correctly. Bloody hornpipe. Planxty ok but no shoes yet. I try now.

8.19pm
2nd hornpipe step and Rodney's in shoes. O. K. Hitting clicks, because I'm cramped on the landing. Don't move so much and it's easier to click. It's not a race. Floppy feet but... O. K. And steps remembered.

The code for "it's going badly", is: "it's snowing. At the moment it's just sleeting.

8.40pm
Just went over on ankle practising the slip jig that doesn't bloody work. Continue.

8.54pm
Fixed this slip jig I think. Sleet has stopped but it's still cold.