Five.

Sunday 8 December

Missed a day. So yesterday was five days to go and I decided not to dance for a couple of reasons - firstly, great practice on Saturday. Secondly, didn't want to do three days in a row with questionable shins and tendons. Thirdly, was feeling bloody awful. I still feel awful, I've been a bit sick twice again already today. I did a bit of ghost teaching for a potentially tricky bit in one of my solos but really, this section is so hard to prepare for. They tell you to have a breakdown of each step prepared, fine, but you never know what the kids will struggle with, do you? It totally depends what they've done before and what their style is.

Today (Monday) I've got class later and need to go through my hornpipe, my boy's jig for teaching, the two modern sets I didn't do in shoes in Saturday, and a couple of trads that I didn't do in shoes. I think it was just Blackbird, Three Seas, Jockey and King. In the meantime though, I'm going to write the book (as in name of dance and list of movements). Then when reviewing it, if I see a movement name and I'm like "how the flip do you do that?!" then I know I need to revise it with the book and videos and some ghost teaching. That will be my Tuesday and Wednesday.

Oh god. Feel sick, can't concentrate on anything. Feel like I'm just watching the clock. I just want it to be over. I said exactly the same thing last year - although at least I wasn't faffing about over my steps still. I'm better than last year, why am I just as nervous??

Unsure.

I was gung-ho at first. I only missed by a couple of points, I know what I need to work on. So long as I don't mess up in a traditional set and if I spend some time tidying my sets, I'll pass the dancing. If I lilt and show more confidence teaching, I should be ok on that.

I've done virtually nothing, however. I don't have a retake date, it will be Oct/Nov/Dec time again, but I've done virtually nothing.

I can't. I feel sick. My usual go-to substitute for counting sheep used to be going through all my sets, or trad sets, or ceilis. I knew them all so well that it actually relaxed my brain. For a while, after I got my results, I'd shake myself out of settling into that routine. Now I find myself actively avoiding doing it. Every time I think through a solo dance I feel sick. I can't do it. I really don't think I can do it again, but do it right. I can't put myself through that again, physically or emotionally, and I'll only fail again, so it's a total waste of money that I just can't justify.

I don't know whether I'm going to.

Two.

Tuesday 13th November.

10.35am
I actually can't believe that this is the date today. Two. Days.

I took the shoes to the cobbler today to get the straps swapped over and not only did he do it there and then within four minutes but he didn't charge me a penny either. There are good people in the world. Speaking of which I got a lovely shamrock-y Good Luck card at dancing last night and everyone was being very kind and telling me I'd be fine. I hope I don't let them down.

2.38pm
I've just looked at my to-do list for the exam, from two weeks away. Gulp.

- Complete Rodney's Glory
- Complete second hornpipe step
- Finalise boys reel step - think I've got it but will need to dance it another few times. Presumably in the hotel.
- Revise ceili tunes especially Haste vs Trip - been trying but it won't sink. Another train/hotel job.
- List and print all steps for each section
- Traditionals in shoes - hotel, will have to be.
- Book return train journey
- Print all tickets and hotel confirmation
- Sort out outfits for each exam
- Packing list
- Speed for Blue Eyed Rascal - feck it, it is what it is
- Read/watch all ceilis - watched, not read
- Check new CD esp Planxty Hugh
- Props for ceili exam? - undecided. Will have a look at home and see if I can conjure something.
- Buy duct tape

I then had to add

- Get straps changed on shoes
- Fix slip jig

Oh god.

9.18pm
I'm almost chilled out here. It's certainly quiet resignation rather than quiet confidence but...I hope this feeling lasts.

Finally watched the Big Jig earlier. They've got far bigger things to be nervous about than some elderly has-been/never-was with dodgy feet and a death wish.