Debrief

Time to debrief, I guess. Might as well make it my last post of the year.

It was a completely different experience. The interaction with the panel was different, the way I approached it was different. The main difference was that I was so much more nervous this time. Sick every morning, not a wink of sleep. Last time round I wasn't entertaining the thought that I might pass - all I wanted was to not fail outright, and maybe pick up some section passes. This time I really wanted to pass it for good.

The dancing was better than last time. I was really looking forward to dancing my jigs but in the first bar of the first step I fell off my toes and it threw me a bit meaning I didn't get in my fanciest bit and had to substitute with something else. Walked back to my place thinking "that's that failed, then." But then the track ended, and the next one that came on was my favourite jig of all time, a sign, so I thought no. Not failed. Still hope. Didn't make another mistake after that, bar another toes-related wobble in my hornpipe set. I got back to my room thinking, I'm not sure how that went. Anyone who's done this before will know what I mean when I say I've changed my mind about it several times since and I'm sure I will again, but I can only pray that I made up those two marks.

Teaching I think went well. It definitely went infinitely better than last time and I actually enjoyed it, but who can say if I did enough. The kids were awesome, I hope they enjoyed learning the ceilis possibly for the first time. I got an eight hand and a progressive, one reel and one jig, neither with a specific tune this time. I blipped once but put myself right the moment one of them asked how many bars the movement was. I felt like it was going well but at one point they were deep in discussion which obviously I couldn't hear and I can't decide whether it was good or bad. What I do know is that last time I came out and wept in my room while predicting 30% marks in the solo teaching - this time I bounced out. I just enjoyed teaching, being called a teacher. It felt comfortable. I hope I put that across.

Since then I thought I'd want a break from dancing but the opposite is true. Can't get enough. Last time it went badly and I just wanted to get away from it for a while - this time my legs are glad of the Christmas break but I'm raring to get back into it and will continue to do my solo practices too as I've got a list of things I want to work on so that I can be the best I possibly can be for my eventual dancers. So there'll be a to-do list early in the new year, but then we wait.

It's results time

Prefacing this with two things - I'm not even sure if the Glasgow results were discussed at the weekend's meeting, and secondly I've convinced myself I've failed anyway as much as I would love to have passed.

I didn't expect to be nervous at all at results time. Even before the exam I knew it was highly unlikely that I'd pass first time so I didn't think I would get worked up about an email. When I was competing, waiting for the results was my favourite bit - it was all out of my hands and there was still a bit of hope, whereas after the results there'd just be disappointment and shrugging.

It's just real now, isn't it? When the exam was still in the future, it was the main thing. I was focusing on the exam itself, not what came after. Now that the exam is in the past, the results are the main thing. Because what comes after the results could vary so wildly. I could be setting up my classes, or I could be frantically trying to save to retake. I could be emailing in another application form, or I could be emailing in...well, whatever forms you need to fill in to make it official. I don't even know if you need to!

Everytime I look at Hotmail and there's an email, my heart jumps and flutters. So far it's either been spam or my dad!

Yes, it's real now. I might have convinced myself that I've failed but while I wait, there's still that hope. Just like when I was dancing - I might have known I'd not danced very well, but there was still the hope that I wouldn't come last. I just don't know how I'll feel if when if I see 'unsuccessful' in writing, in black and white, clear as day.

Either way, one thing is for sure.

If I fail, I'm trying again. At the earliest opportunity.

If I pass, I'm going to be a teacher. I am going to set up a class.