I had a funny old day today. I felt like I should do something TCRG related given the date, so I decided on trying to learn the King of the Fairies set. I got old faithful, the blue dancing notebook, out of my bag where it's lain untouched but still carried around daily, for months on end.
The book is neatly laid out into 4 sections. First - light dances. Second - heavy dances (ran out of paper in this section due to the weighting of the exam). Third - notes, to-do lists, various thoughts. Fourth - somewhere to write music quizzes.
For some reason the first thing I did was wonder if I could still name all the set tunes. Popped on the iPod, shuffle...named them all. 100%.
Second thing I did was flip to section three where, on the way home from my first failed attempt at the TCRG exam, I wrote my notes. I didn't want to forget anything so I wrote down everything that happened, how I felt, what went wrong, less of what went right, and predictions for my results. I must add that on the way home I was a couple of hours past my teaching exam which was the worst exam I've ever experienced. I predicted they'd give me 30% on solo teaching, that's how awful I felt about it. In the end I did plenty enough to not fail outright, I was close to passing, but reading it back was scary. I could remember my own terror, how I just couldn't process what they were telling me, how I wanted to walk out and cry. Or cry and walk out, whichever came first. It's so horrible. Happy St Patrick's Day to me.
I decided to close that book, open a fresh page and start to learn King of the Fairies. I actually watched back some of the other dances to see if she taught it so very fast as how she does in KoF. It's SO hard. I'm furiously trying to write, trying to work out which foot, then we cut to the dancers and they do it differently - I'm SO glad this is the last one to learn (finished Three Seas, by the way).
So I haven't had a particularly upbeat St Patrick's Day. I feel like I need to go and paint my nails green or something.
Oh, I'll get there. I'm just exhausted and angry at myself all over again for not practising lilting enough and not being confident enough and just being a complete deer. If you learn one thing from this blog, learn. to. lilt.
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Monday, 11 March 2013
The most important things
Anyone who's ever attended a feis with a newbie will no doubt have been asked "what are the judges looking for?" What's the difference between first and second place? How could the same dancer have come first in the reel and tenth in the hornpipe? They're tough questions to answer as we don't have a standardised marking system and therefore can't speak for the individual judge on the day. Everyone's got their own hot buttons that will turn them off a dancer, and elements they have to see in order to award high marks. Now I know I'm not a teacher let alone an adjudicator, but these are the most important elements to me - roughly in order:
1. Foot placement
This is only the most important element to me if we work on the assumption that timing is a given. You simply must be on time with the music, otherwise you're not actually dancing.
Foot placement covers not only adequate turnout and crossing of the feet/legs, but also thinking about the positioning of the foot. Is it pointed all the way through the foot whenever it's off the floor, or is it flat or even flexed? Are the toes scrunched rather than properly pointed? Is the instep in the correct position, but the point not extended all the way to the tips of the toes? And then when the foot is on the floor, is it on a high tiptoe (not en pointe) at all times or does the heel drop closer and closer to the floor? Can the dancer sustain this height all the way through or does tiredness make the heels drop? Whenever a move calls for the foot to not be pointed, is it exaggerated enough to have the desired impact? (e.g. a pointe hold with the front foot flexed, a drum roll, a heel walk or spin...) Finally, are the feet positioned strongly and confidently? Does the dancer sickle, or lose control of a point before attaining the position, lending the impression of floppy ankles? Can they achieve turnout with both feet all the time, without the back or supporting foot straightening or turning in? Is their positioning unaffected by stamina - can they maintain good, strong positioning throughout?
2. Deportment
For me this covers absolutely every element of the body from the hips up. Hips and shoulders must always be level - not only right to left, but front to back. No leaning forward into a jump or kick, no sticking the bum out on turns or treble/footwork sequences, no dropping the leading shoulder into a turn or leading with your shoulder into a leap or kick. Lower arms controlled, but without tension. Neat fists, no waggling fingers. Head straight forward - no chins on chests, no tilting, no mouths wide open or saying/miming steps, no eyes down. Our deportment is absolutely unique in the dance world which is why it's so high up my list - it's characteristically Irish and therefore needs to be worked on and perfected very early on. It's my own opinion that the reason we don't use our arms is to show how in control of our bodies we are, to be able to move our feet at 50mph without so much of a quiver in our shoulders. Tense arms make the whole performance seem more laboured - excellent carriage makes everything look easy.
3. Extension
Not just height on kicks, clicks and leaps, but height with control and style as well. Straight knees, maintaining turnout and carriage, perfect lines from hip to knee to ankle to toe. Kicks that take an equal amount of time to come down as to go up - retracting the leg with control proves leg and core strength, rather than letting gravity do its work. Kicks that don't look "throw-y" - that are deliberate about their placement, rather than swinging it up and hoping for the best. And looking at the back leg on kicks and clicks as well - that needs a straight knee too, and that needs to maintain placement too. I always look for the back leg on hops and single-leg work - is it just hanging there or is it contributing to a neat, controlled look?
4. Style and precision
Style will always be individual preference but I believe strongly that dances aren't just a technical exercise, they're a performance. Dancers will similar technical qualities can be easily separated in the marks if one is enjoyable to watch and the other is simply "nice". It's hard to quantify but I like to see individual choreography tailored to a dancers' strengths, with clever bits that you can't wait to see on the left foot - or make you curse the hornpipe half-step when you can't see it again! Elements of elegance, athleticism, control and freedom combine in each person's mind to create their own preferred style, and I can't really explain what my preferred is. Perhaps it's when a dancer is so elegant that you know they're leaping as high as the athletic types, without immediately pegging them as athletic. When they're so light on their feet yet so fast that it seems impossible they can jump so high or treble so loud.
Precision to me goes hand in hand with style. You can have one without the other (I've seen dancers with breathtaking tricks and beautiful choreography, but straight feet) but to excel, you need both. Precision is everything from points 1-3, but moreso. Everything performed in a textbook way. Every individual movement - a leap, a rock, a treble, a cross key - could be extracted from the performance and used as an example of "this is how it's supposed to look". Every movement could make a perfect action shot to be plastered over tumblr with an inspiration quote.
Opinions of dancing are of course fluid, and perhaps this list will change over time. Perhaps one day I'll think carriage should be more important than crossing or I'll change my definition of what style means. Perhaps I'll start to prefer a different style - subconciously, no doubt.
Trying to come up with a list of your most important Irish dancer qualities just reminds you that results are very, very rarely "wrong", just a matter of personal choice. My favourite dancer not winning doesn't always mean they had an off day or that they went wrong or something else was up. It just means someone else's opinion was different to mine, and that's good. That's why competitions employ panels rather than one single adjudicator, and why they're not paid just to tie everyone.
It's frustrating as you can do everything right and still not win, but that's what makes competition and that's why people are attracted to competing. In tennis you could perfect your serve but come up against the perfect returner. Sprinters could have the perfect start but be overtaken by the perfect finisher. It's why people carry on when they've won everything there is to win. It's why we dance in the first place.
What are your most important things in Irish dance?
1. Foot placement
This is only the most important element to me if we work on the assumption that timing is a given. You simply must be on time with the music, otherwise you're not actually dancing.
Foot placement covers not only adequate turnout and crossing of the feet/legs, but also thinking about the positioning of the foot. Is it pointed all the way through the foot whenever it's off the floor, or is it flat or even flexed? Are the toes scrunched rather than properly pointed? Is the instep in the correct position, but the point not extended all the way to the tips of the toes? And then when the foot is on the floor, is it on a high tiptoe (not en pointe) at all times or does the heel drop closer and closer to the floor? Can the dancer sustain this height all the way through or does tiredness make the heels drop? Whenever a move calls for the foot to not be pointed, is it exaggerated enough to have the desired impact? (e.g. a pointe hold with the front foot flexed, a drum roll, a heel walk or spin...) Finally, are the feet positioned strongly and confidently? Does the dancer sickle, or lose control of a point before attaining the position, lending the impression of floppy ankles? Can they achieve turnout with both feet all the time, without the back or supporting foot straightening or turning in? Is their positioning unaffected by stamina - can they maintain good, strong positioning throughout?
2. Deportment
For me this covers absolutely every element of the body from the hips up. Hips and shoulders must always be level - not only right to left, but front to back. No leaning forward into a jump or kick, no sticking the bum out on turns or treble/footwork sequences, no dropping the leading shoulder into a turn or leading with your shoulder into a leap or kick. Lower arms controlled, but without tension. Neat fists, no waggling fingers. Head straight forward - no chins on chests, no tilting, no mouths wide open or saying/miming steps, no eyes down. Our deportment is absolutely unique in the dance world which is why it's so high up my list - it's characteristically Irish and therefore needs to be worked on and perfected very early on. It's my own opinion that the reason we don't use our arms is to show how in control of our bodies we are, to be able to move our feet at 50mph without so much of a quiver in our shoulders. Tense arms make the whole performance seem more laboured - excellent carriage makes everything look easy.
3. Extension
Not just height on kicks, clicks and leaps, but height with control and style as well. Straight knees, maintaining turnout and carriage, perfect lines from hip to knee to ankle to toe. Kicks that take an equal amount of time to come down as to go up - retracting the leg with control proves leg and core strength, rather than letting gravity do its work. Kicks that don't look "throw-y" - that are deliberate about their placement, rather than swinging it up and hoping for the best. And looking at the back leg on kicks and clicks as well - that needs a straight knee too, and that needs to maintain placement too. I always look for the back leg on hops and single-leg work - is it just hanging there or is it contributing to a neat, controlled look?
4. Style and precision
Style will always be individual preference but I believe strongly that dances aren't just a technical exercise, they're a performance. Dancers will similar technical qualities can be easily separated in the marks if one is enjoyable to watch and the other is simply "nice". It's hard to quantify but I like to see individual choreography tailored to a dancers' strengths, with clever bits that you can't wait to see on the left foot - or make you curse the hornpipe half-step when you can't see it again! Elements of elegance, athleticism, control and freedom combine in each person's mind to create their own preferred style, and I can't really explain what my preferred is. Perhaps it's when a dancer is so elegant that you know they're leaping as high as the athletic types, without immediately pegging them as athletic. When they're so light on their feet yet so fast that it seems impossible they can jump so high or treble so loud.
Precision to me goes hand in hand with style. You can have one without the other (I've seen dancers with breathtaking tricks and beautiful choreography, but straight feet) but to excel, you need both. Precision is everything from points 1-3, but moreso. Everything performed in a textbook way. Every individual movement - a leap, a rock, a treble, a cross key - could be extracted from the performance and used as an example of "this is how it's supposed to look". Every movement could make a perfect action shot to be plastered over tumblr with an inspiration quote.
Opinions of dancing are of course fluid, and perhaps this list will change over time. Perhaps one day I'll think carriage should be more important than crossing or I'll change my definition of what style means. Perhaps I'll start to prefer a different style - subconciously, no doubt.
Trying to come up with a list of your most important Irish dancer qualities just reminds you that results are very, very rarely "wrong", just a matter of personal choice. My favourite dancer not winning doesn't always mean they had an off day or that they went wrong or something else was up. It just means someone else's opinion was different to mine, and that's good. That's why competitions employ panels rather than one single adjudicator, and why they're not paid just to tie everyone.
It's frustrating as you can do everything right and still not win, but that's what makes competition and that's why people are attracted to competing. In tennis you could perfect your serve but come up against the perfect returner. Sprinters could have the perfect start but be overtaken by the perfect finisher. It's why people carry on when they've won everything there is to win. It's why we dance in the first place.
What are your most important things in Irish dance?
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Grades
I can't wait til I've got dancers competing in the grades.
I know that's possibly a strange thing to aspire to, given that every teacher really wants champions and anyone who says they aren't aiming for a World Champion is maybe not being 100% honest. I definitely do want to teach champions. I want to take to the stage in impossible heels and pick them up when they run down the podium to me. I want to shake and cry with them when we can't add it up in our heads but then realise they've done it, they've won, and Dan the Man has announced them as World Champion. I want to commission elaborate cakes showing them standing with a sugar paste trophy for their Worlds party. Yes, obviously I want that.
But I want excited little five year olds with home-curled hair and tiny skirts and blouses, tiny little feet in outrageously small Hullachans, babies who don't really know what's going on past the fact that they get to show off their dancing and then they get a medal. Or ten, twelve, fourteen year olds trying time and time again for that first in the primary hornpipe so they can say they've got everything in intermediate.
First solo dresses, excitedly writing down results, the best feeling in the world when you win the primary light trophy with your hop jig.
Years ago I was at a feis early doors, waiting for my own prelim that afternoon. My old teacher and I went into the grades hall and saw the u6 beginners lining up for their first ever reel at their first ever feis. Totally un-self conscious, just dancing for joy. The lady at the back of the stage counting them in. A lead round that goes round in five ever decreasing circles and a first step that's ended up danced with their back to the judge. Running back to their places with huge smiles when the bell rings, then trying to dance again straight away. The Kit Kat as a bribe or a prize. The oh my god I got a medal happiness that only a first-ever 'highly commended' can bring. And my teacher turned to me and said, "this is what it's really about."
It IS what it's really about.
I know that's possibly a strange thing to aspire to, given that every teacher really wants champions and anyone who says they aren't aiming for a World Champion is maybe not being 100% honest. I definitely do want to teach champions. I want to take to the stage in impossible heels and pick them up when they run down the podium to me. I want to shake and cry with them when we can't add it up in our heads but then realise they've done it, they've won, and Dan the Man has announced them as World Champion. I want to commission elaborate cakes showing them standing with a sugar paste trophy for their Worlds party. Yes, obviously I want that.
But I want excited little five year olds with home-curled hair and tiny skirts and blouses, tiny little feet in outrageously small Hullachans, babies who don't really know what's going on past the fact that they get to show off their dancing and then they get a medal. Or ten, twelve, fourteen year olds trying time and time again for that first in the primary hornpipe so they can say they've got everything in intermediate.
First solo dresses, excitedly writing down results, the best feeling in the world when you win the primary light trophy with your hop jig.
Years ago I was at a feis early doors, waiting for my own prelim that afternoon. My old teacher and I went into the grades hall and saw the u6 beginners lining up for their first ever reel at their first ever feis. Totally un-self conscious, just dancing for joy. The lady at the back of the stage counting them in. A lead round that goes round in five ever decreasing circles and a first step that's ended up danced with their back to the judge. Running back to their places with huge smiles when the bell rings, then trying to dance again straight away. The Kit Kat as a bribe or a prize. The oh my god I got a medal happiness that only a first-ever 'highly commended' can bring. And my teacher turned to me and said, "this is what it's really about."
It IS what it's really about.
Tuesday, 5 February 2013
"New" traditional sets
I'm well on my way with these.
Jockey to the Fair
Tip and down tip and cross tip and down tip and stamp-stamp, and stamp-stamp, and stamp-stamp,
and step hit your heel tip and step hit your heel
tip and box 234
treble-treble and a back tip and up hop back
Treble-treble and a 1234567
Treble-treble and a 1234567
Treble-treble and up cut tip down and tip down
Hop back treble 1 treble 2
and treble and a stamp
Brush, 2, 3, 4,
and step hit your heel tip and treble and back
Tip and box 234
Treble-treble and a back
King of the Fairies
Tip down kick* heel and a heel and a heel and a down
Kick treble and treble and treble and treble
And up cut down and up cut onto your heel treble and back
Tip 1 tip 2 kick cut down
Treble and a back 12, and point and back 12
Tip down kick treble and tre-ble and a kick and down
I've only got as far as the step on this, really. I know the first 2 bars of the set but not worth typing it until I know it all. "Kick" refers to kicking the heel of one shoe with the toes of the other - on this slowed-down video the dancer is doing toes at the back (as in tapping the toes off the floor), but the toes should be hitting the back of the other shoe. Coimisiun do actually specifically that toes shouldn't be done in place of heel-kicks.
Three Sea Captains
Tip down treble-treble and a tip over down
Change and kick out and kick out and tip and heel down
Back rock 23, back rock 23
Tip down and heel down
And back tip and cross
FAST! Again I've only got the step so far.
Plan for February - work on the sets of both and then dance the shit out of them.
Jockey to the Fair
Tip and down tip and cross tip and down tip and stamp-stamp, and stamp-stamp, and stamp-stamp,
and step hit your heel tip and step hit your heel
tip and box 234
treble-treble and a back tip and up hop back
Treble-treble and a 1234567
Treble-treble and a 1234567
Treble-treble and up cut tip down and tip down
Hop back treble 1 treble 2
and treble and a stamp
Brush, 2, 3, 4,
and step hit your heel tip and treble and back
Tip and box 234
Treble-treble and a back
King of the Fairies
Tip down kick* heel and a heel and a heel and a down
Kick treble and treble and treble and treble
And up cut down and up cut onto your heel treble and back
Tip 1 tip 2 kick cut down
Treble and a back 12, and point and back 12
Tip down kick treble and tre-ble and a kick and down
I've only got as far as the step on this, really. I know the first 2 bars of the set but not worth typing it until I know it all. "Kick" refers to kicking the heel of one shoe with the toes of the other - on this slowed-down video the dancer is doing toes at the back (as in tapping the toes off the floor), but the toes should be hitting the back of the other shoe. Coimisiun do actually specifically that toes shouldn't be done in place of heel-kicks.
Three Sea Captains
Tip down treble-treble and a tip over down
Change and kick out and kick out and tip and heel down
Back rock 23, back rock 23
Tip down and heel down
And back tip and cross
FAST! Again I've only got the step so far.
Plan for February - work on the sets of both and then dance the shit out of them.
Monday, 28 January 2013
Unsure.
I was gung-ho at first. I only missed by a couple of points, I know what I need to work on. So long as I don't mess up in a traditional set and if I spend some time tidying my sets, I'll pass the dancing. If I lilt and show more confidence teaching, I should be ok on that.
I've done virtually nothing, however. I don't have a retake date, it will be Oct/Nov/Dec time again, but I've done virtually nothing.
I can't. I feel sick. My usual go-to substitute for counting sheep used to be going through all my sets, or trad sets, or ceilis. I knew them all so well that it actually relaxed my brain. For a while, after I got my results, I'd shake myself out of settling into that routine. Now I find myself actively avoiding doing it. Every time I think through a solo dance I feel sick. I can't do it. I really don't think I can do it again, but do it right. I can't put myself through that again, physically or emotionally, and I'll only fail again, so it's a total waste of money that I just can't justify.
I don't know whether I'm going to.
I've done virtually nothing, however. I don't have a retake date, it will be Oct/Nov/Dec time again, but I've done virtually nothing.
I can't. I feel sick. My usual go-to substitute for counting sheep used to be going through all my sets, or trad sets, or ceilis. I knew them all so well that it actually relaxed my brain. For a while, after I got my results, I'd shake myself out of settling into that routine. Now I find myself actively avoiding doing it. Every time I think through a solo dance I feel sick. I can't do it. I really don't think I can do it again, but do it right. I can't put myself through that again, physically or emotionally, and I'll only fail again, so it's a total waste of money that I just can't justify.
I don't know whether I'm going to.
Monday, 7 January 2013
2013
...will be the year I pass.
I've done some work already. I now know Jockey to the Fair (it needs practising, but I know the steps) and the step of King of the Fairies. The latter took me an embarrassingly long time but I've changed my learning strategy from putting the Olive dvd on cold and trying to dance along, to watching and watching and watching and learning in theory before I start to try and dance it. That seems to be the less frustrating method :)
So that's 1.5 trad sets out of 3 done!
I've also started making a ceili study guide for my friend who I've talked into doing the TMRF. Just tips, unwritten rules, that kind of thing. Still a bit of a work in progress but I'll need to get that printed out today because...
It's the first class of 2013 tonight!!!
My feet will be on fire, I will be horribly unfit and out of breath, my holiday weight will be embarrassing. BUT, I can't bloody wait!
I've done some work already. I now know Jockey to the Fair (it needs practising, but I know the steps) and the step of King of the Fairies. The latter took me an embarrassingly long time but I've changed my learning strategy from putting the Olive dvd on cold and trying to dance along, to watching and watching and watching and learning in theory before I start to try and dance it. That seems to be the less frustrating method :)
So that's 1.5 trad sets out of 3 done!
I've also started making a ceili study guide for my friend who I've talked into doing the TMRF. Just tips, unwritten rules, that kind of thing. Still a bit of a work in progress but I'll need to get that printed out today because...
It's the first class of 2013 tonight!!!
My feet will be on fire, I will be horribly unfit and out of breath, my holiday weight will be embarrassing. BUT, I can't bloody wait!
Thursday, 20 December 2012
Attempt #2
Here's the story of how I got my results.
I opened the envelope and saw "n/a" in the first row of the percentage column. For a split second I'm like, "oh my God they gave me a zero for something?!" ...that was the oral Irish section, which I didn't need to take. D'oh.
I saw "99%, passed" in music (I know exactly where I lost a mark, I switched off during the solo tunes thinking they'd be repeated like the sets and they weren't). I then stopped paying attention to the percentages and just glanced down the result column, I couldn't help myself from skipping ahead and not reading properly. I saw unsuccessful, unsuccessful, unsuccessful, passed. I didn't see the 95% in ceili written until later. All I saw was scores in the sixties.
I looked at the second sheet with the dancing breakdown on it. I'm disappointed with their comments but they really do miss nothing. I flipped over to look at the teaching results and was both pleasantly and unpleasantly surprised with some of the comments. Personally I don't understand all of them but what do I know?
I thought, I'm not going to do it. I thought I might just have passed dancing. I thought I can't go through it all again, the expense, the long weekend. I couldn't believe I'd failed it outright.
I took a photo of the results and text it to my friend. I took photos of all the breakdowns too and sent those. We had a little text chat. Then it hit me.
I did not fail outright.
All that time, I somehow had it in my head that 70% was the "get this mark or take everything again" mark, rather than the pass mark. I thought I'd missed by a mile. I didn't miss by a mile. In fact, I missed one section by two little marks. I can't believe it took me so long to realise that I was so close.
So. I will do it again. But, I've just priced up a trip to Limerick and it's nearly £700 even if I only spend one night there. I can't justify that so soon after dropping nigh on £850 the last time. It will have to be in a full year's time, hopefully in Britain again.
That gives me a year to learn two traditional set dances (I already know Jockey in theory, just need to learn to actually dance it), and to get more practice in teaching and specifically lilting. I know I won't be as nervous next time.
It's on.
I opened the envelope and saw "n/a" in the first row of the percentage column. For a split second I'm like, "oh my God they gave me a zero for something?!" ...that was the oral Irish section, which I didn't need to take. D'oh.
I saw "99%, passed" in music (I know exactly where I lost a mark, I switched off during the solo tunes thinking they'd be repeated like the sets and they weren't). I then stopped paying attention to the percentages and just glanced down the result column, I couldn't help myself from skipping ahead and not reading properly. I saw unsuccessful, unsuccessful, unsuccessful, passed. I didn't see the 95% in ceili written until later. All I saw was scores in the sixties.
I looked at the second sheet with the dancing breakdown on it. I'm disappointed with their comments but they really do miss nothing. I flipped over to look at the teaching results and was both pleasantly and unpleasantly surprised with some of the comments. Personally I don't understand all of them but what do I know?
I thought, I'm not going to do it. I thought I might just have passed dancing. I thought I can't go through it all again, the expense, the long weekend. I couldn't believe I'd failed it outright.
I took a photo of the results and text it to my friend. I took photos of all the breakdowns too and sent those. We had a little text chat. Then it hit me.
I did not fail outright.
All that time, I somehow had it in my head that 70% was the "get this mark or take everything again" mark, rather than the pass mark. I thought I'd missed by a mile. I didn't miss by a mile. In fact, I missed one section by two little marks. I can't believe it took me so long to realise that I was so close.
So. I will do it again. But, I've just priced up a trip to Limerick and it's nearly £700 even if I only spend one night there. I can't justify that so soon after dropping nigh on £850 the last time. It will have to be in a full year's time, hopefully in Britain again.
That gives me a year to learn two traditional set dances (I already know Jockey in theory, just need to learn to actually dance it), and to get more practice in teaching and specifically lilting. I know I won't be as nervous next time.
It's on.
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Monday, 10 December 2012
It's results time
Prefacing this with two things - I'm not even sure if the Glasgow results were discussed at the weekend's meeting, and secondly I've convinced myself I've failed anyway as much as I would love to have passed.
I didn't expect to be nervous at all at results time. Even before the exam I knew it was highly unlikely that I'd pass first time so I didn't think I would get worked up about an email. When I was competing, waiting for the results was my favourite bit - it was all out of my hands and there was still a bit of hope, whereas after the results there'd just be disappointment and shrugging.
It's just real now, isn't it? When the exam was still in the future, it was the main thing. I was focusing on the exam itself, not what came after. Now that the exam is in the past, the results are the main thing. Because what comes after the results could vary so wildly. I could be setting up my classes, or I could be frantically trying to save to retake. I could be emailing in another application form, or I could be emailing in...well, whatever forms you need to fill in to make it official. I don't even know if you need to!
Everytime I look at Hotmail and there's an email, my heart jumps and flutters. So far it's either been spam or my dad!
Yes, it's real now. I might have convinced myself that I've failed but while I wait, there's still that hope. Just like when I was dancing - I might have known I'd not danced very well, but there was still the hope that I wouldn't come last. I just don't know how I'll feelif when if I see 'unsuccessful' in writing, in black and white, clear as day.
Either way, one thing is for sure.
If I fail, I'm trying again. At the earliest opportunity.
If I pass, I'm going to be a teacher. I am going to set up a class.
I didn't expect to be nervous at all at results time. Even before the exam I knew it was highly unlikely that I'd pass first time so I didn't think I would get worked up about an email. When I was competing, waiting for the results was my favourite bit - it was all out of my hands and there was still a bit of hope, whereas after the results there'd just be disappointment and shrugging.
It's just real now, isn't it? When the exam was still in the future, it was the main thing. I was focusing on the exam itself, not what came after. Now that the exam is in the past, the results are the main thing. Because what comes after the results could vary so wildly. I could be setting up my classes, or I could be frantically trying to save to retake. I could be emailing in another application form, or I could be emailing in...well, whatever forms you need to fill in to make it official. I don't even know if you need to!
Everytime I look at Hotmail and there's an email, my heart jumps and flutters. So far it's either been spam or my dad!
Yes, it's real now. I might have convinced myself that I've failed but while I wait, there's still that hope. Just like when I was dancing - I might have known I'd not danced very well, but there was still the hope that I wouldn't come last. I just don't know how I'll feel
Either way, one thing is for sure.
If I fail, I'm trying again. At the earliest opportunity.
If I pass, I'm going to be a teacher. I am going to set up a class.
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
18 days later
I never thought I'd reach this point. I never thought I'd actually get to the point after the exam. Well - I did it. What's there to say really? I'm kind of reluctant to write about the experience, to be honest. I've already done so, by hand in a notebook as I travelled home, but I almost don't want to type it all out. Oh, I've told the story many a time and I've relived it in my sleep many a time, but when I type I go into much more detail and I don't want to. Not yet.
Suffice it to say, I won't be surprised in the least if I don't pass. By that I actually mean I won't be surprised if I have to repeat the whole thing and fail it outright, rather than retaking just one or two sections. I think I did well where I'd expected to do poorly, but I let nerves get the better of me when I thought I'd be fine. I was sick on occasion, went blank, panicked, cried. (Not all of that in the exam room, you understand). Although when I got into the lift after my dancing exam, I was beaming, and when I got to my room, I literally yelled "YES!" Because I did it.
Teaching - it's bitterly disappointing because I know that I know what I'm doing, I know I can lilt all those tunes and teach the dances correctly, I knew the steps, I would have done better. If I wasn't so crippled with nerves. I just wasn't able to show them what I'm really like and what I really know, and that hurts.
I'm allowing myself to fantasise about passing and get excited about opening classes, because deep down I know how highly unlikely it is.
I've only made it to class once since, and haven't practised on my own or anything of the sort. I've learnt Jockey to the Fair on the assumption I'll need the "new" traditional sets on my retake, although I haven't danced it yet. I'm still in the bubble of dance, going to the qualifiers and watching the parades, but I'm not so in there as I was before. I'm allowing myself to relax and enjoy the festive season, and then we'll start back up in January.
If indeed I do have to retake the entire exam, I won't be able to afford it until winter 2013. If I only need to do one section, I might be able to swing Limerick if places are still available.
But I'm just refusing to think about it at the moment.
Merry Christmas (eventually...) to all, and to all a good night.
Suffice it to say, I won't be surprised in the least if I don't pass. By that I actually mean I won't be surprised if I have to repeat the whole thing and fail it outright, rather than retaking just one or two sections. I think I did well where I'd expected to do poorly, but I let nerves get the better of me when I thought I'd be fine. I was sick on occasion, went blank, panicked, cried. (Not all of that in the exam room, you understand). Although when I got into the lift after my dancing exam, I was beaming, and when I got to my room, I literally yelled "YES!" Because I did it.
Teaching - it's bitterly disappointing because I know that I know what I'm doing, I know I can lilt all those tunes and teach the dances correctly, I knew the steps, I would have done better. If I wasn't so crippled with nerves. I just wasn't able to show them what I'm really like and what I really know, and that hurts.
I'm allowing myself to fantasise about passing and get excited about opening classes, because deep down I know how highly unlikely it is.
I've only made it to class once since, and haven't practised on my own or anything of the sort. I've learnt Jockey to the Fair on the assumption I'll need the "new" traditional sets on my retake, although I haven't danced it yet. I'm still in the bubble of dance, going to the qualifiers and watching the parades, but I'm not so in there as I was before. I'm allowing myself to relax and enjoy the festive season, and then we'll start back up in January.
If indeed I do have to retake the entire exam, I won't be able to afford it until winter 2013. If I only need to do one section, I might be able to swing Limerick if places are still available.
But I'm just refusing to think about it at the moment.
Merry Christmas (eventually...) to all, and to all a good night.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)